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Four
My Girl, Today at 4:3…uh, erms, *mumbles incoherently* you will be four years old. The squishy maternal part of me wants to throw you back into a onesie and one of those wee diapers that nearly engulfs...
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Tears Dry On Their Own
When you’re a blogger, most conversations with people outside of the computer go something like this: Them: “So now that I’ve finished telling you about the luxury yacht I just bought with the interest...
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Somehow, I Don’t Think This Is What My Mother Meant
First things first, Pranksters – allow me to answer the two most burningest questions on your mind: Yes, I did get a job, but I have yet to find myself craving Mr. Rogers sweaters or penny loafers, nor...
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Providence, Part Deux*
I don’t get the impression, Pranksters, that a lot of us hold much stock in the idea of Providence (always with a capitol “P”) because, well, we’re a little bit jaded. It’s hard to see a world in which...
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I’d Rather Chug Gasoline
To call my father “fastidious” would be akin to saying that “diet Coke tastes okay.” Sure, they’re both true statements, but they don’t quite delve into the true essence of the statement. I’d say he...
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Like A David Lynch Movie
I live in an area affectionately known as the “tri-cities,” for reasons that should be obvious: we are three cities. Okay, the name is a misnomer because, quite frankly, we’re more like a cluster of...
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Music Is My Nature
Today, Pranksters, I share not my story, but the story my son, Ben, tells. To give you some background as to why this story matters, I suggest reading this and this first. And now, Pranksters, I give...
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All That You Won’t Leave Behind
“Where’s Dad?” a teenage Aunt Becky asked, mouth half-full of toast. I don’t quite know why I’d asked, it was a day ending in “day” so the answer was always the same. “Making copies,” my mom said,...
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And Whispered To Her Neighbor, “Winter is Dead.”
It took me by surprise. In part, I’m certain, because I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for three months running (which, I should add, always gives me the delightful...
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Wordplay
Some fifteen(ish) years later, I can’t help but hear the voice of my father screaming at me every time I use my turn signal, “SIGNAL YOUR INTENT, REBECCA” followed generally by some nonsense about “AND...
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TICKle Me Alex
“We live in the park!” is the brightly canned response I give my kids whenever they’re stuck staring at a mountain of gleaming green goose poo or shrieking about spiders daring to breathe in their...
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Dear Bleach: You Complete Me
This was sorta a sponsored thing, but I’d have done it for free because THAT is how deep my love for bleach is. Despite now having three children, becoming an Infection Control nurse, and having the...
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Mother Thinks The Birds Are After Her
Despite my almost encyclopedic knowledge of Britney Spears* it comes as a shock to tell you, Pranksters, that my brain banks hold no information about birds. I take that back. This is what I know about...
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Out of the Frying Pan
“You need to get out of here. Now. While your self-esteem is still intact,” my nurse hissed at me as we pretended to be conferring over a particularly challenging medication pass. I simply stared at...
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Exxxxtreme…Couponing?
Somehow, when my middle son, Alex was a wee fetus tap-dancing on my bladder, I was signed up with all of the formula companies to receive formula checks. These puppies were worth upwards of twenty...
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Independence
“Think of all the FREE TIME you’ll have,” my well-meaning friends assured me when I confessed that I was devastated by moving out of my home. Free time, I mused (while probably pooping). What a novel...
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Aunt Becky’s Piss-Poor Guide To BlogHer
So, first things first. I know most of you read my blog in a reader *waves at reader people* which is all good, because I would too*. Today, however, you need to pop through. No, seriously, get your...
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My Scale Has Borderline Personality Disorder
I’ve been doing a lot of Deep Thinking, which is not easy for someone like me. Even if gnomes hadn’t absconded with my brain and eaten it slathered with ice cream and sprinkles, I think the three...
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Kitty Porn
Scene: Me, entering the bedroom after depleting the minor reserves of piss in my squirrel sized bladder; cursing my parents for allowing an experiment to be performed in which a squirrel’s bladder was...
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Leather Face
When most people consider moving from a house to an apartment, they see it as a step down. Like ordering creme brulee and getting a dish of plain vanilla soft-serve (WITHOUT the all-important...
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