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I Thought Having Kids Meant Buying Them All The Shit You Never Had
No matter how I begged, cajoled, pleaded, or attempted blackmail, I couldn’t get my parents to budge on their toy purchases for us when we were kids. While my friends were rocking out their Super...
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An Open Letter To Security Goon 1
Security Goon 1 - While you don’t know me from a hole in the ground, I know you. Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t actually know who you are or how you got such a lilting and magnificent name, but I’d like...
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Shattered Glass
Crouched down in the waaaaay back of the basement, I started my journey through the dusty bins that I’d once carefully stacked, labeling the contents in a way that would make my OCD father proud. I...
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This, That and the Whole Damn Thing
Thursday night, I’d finally had enough wallowing and whining, so I told Crys that I was about to go all Eye of the Tiger on the Christmas tree I’d neatly transported from that life to this – with, I...
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Parent of the Year Strikes Again!
Scene: My Living Room, Saturday Afternoon Me: (mumbles to self while setting up Christmas tree) Alex: (perplexed) “Hey… Mama?” Me: (pulling head from underneath spiky needles of doom, expecting the...
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No Smoking Until You’re At Least 12
I’d been carefully asleep in my bed, sweating to my dreams like Richard Simmons had made me his personal bitch, defeating a gigantic Michelin man wearing a Bret Michaels wig who had a voice like the...
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All Wrapped Up And Nowhere To Go
While anyone who’s read my blog for longer than five minutes knows that I wear a YOU’RE NUMBER ONE finger for Christmas, there’s one party of this happy-crappy, shooting glitter out of your ass holiday...
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What Comes Next
I’ve spent the better part of 10 years trying to figure out what I’ve wanted to do next. Skydiving? Climbing some obscure mountain? Going into space? All things I’d considered before deciding that I’d...
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The End Is (Probably) Nigh!
So I read somewhere on the Internet (and we ALL know that the Internet doesn’t lie) that the end of the world is coming, which reminds me of the OTHER time the world was supposed to end and WHOOPS!...
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My Mother, The Criminal
As the great God Britney once said, “Mama, I’m in love with a criminal,” which I think she meant as “Mama, why are you a criminal?” At least, that’s my interpretation of the song, because really, who...
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2012: A Space Oddity
Once a year, every year since dinosaurs typed out blog posts with their wee flailing dinosaur hands on their gigantic Stone Age laptops, I do a Meme. Generally speaking, I do not like Memes. I do not...
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Next On Fox News: Rolling Blackouts Drive A Family of Three To Bed!
Last week, I’d gone outside to get some air because my apartment was approximately 78 basquillion degrees and, quite frankly, I’d gotten a bit tired of playing Batman. Unfortunately, my apartment is no...
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Happy New Year! You’re Still An Asshole!
The morning of my eighth birthday, I woke up to the sounds of my tone-deaf brother’s singing. See, when I was a kid, my brother’s favorite game was to wake me up as obnoxiously as possible, which meant...
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Ashton Kutcher Totally Lied To Me
Dear Christopher Ashton Kutcher, Did you know, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, that your name is not spelled “C-R-O-T-C-H,” but Christopher Ashton Kutcher? I do now. Wikipedia told me so, Christopher...
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When Acupressure Mats Attack
According to the website, if I ordered this “acupressure mat,” I’d be able to feel restored blood circulation and endorphins which are like the sex hormones, and WOAH, who doesn’t want more sex...
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Geese Are Probably Dumb
Back when I was a wee Aunt Becky, I loved animals. Okay, scratch that, I STILL love animals, but not with the same intense fervor I once did, mostly because picking up animal shit is gross. But back...
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It Is Always Better To Stare Stupidly At A Problem Than Actually Fix It
Being 32 years old, I’ve had experience with cars. Primarily driving them, occasionally riding in them, and very rarely scoring a makeout session in one (ah, Junior High, how I miss thee). And while my...
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Like Some Passing Afternoon
There are very few questions I detest more than “Are you okay?” (Runners up include: “Where are your pants?” “Why do you hate thousand island dressing?” and the statement, “I’m worried about you.”) I...
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Like Chatroulette But With Less Wang
Do you remember Chatroulette, Pranksters? I only came across it back when I was writing online sex shop reviews for Toy With Me and searching for an angle to cover. If you have NO idea what I’m talking...
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Solving for Zero
Sorting through my stuff after I’d moved into the FBI Surveillance Van, I came across a picture taken many years ago. One of my Pranksters had suggested that I find a truly happy picture of myself and...
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